i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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