I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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