Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
