Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
you made out with another girl for some wings
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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