Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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