There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
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