I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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