very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
