I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
