That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
