Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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