my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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