Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
