Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
