We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
