took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
