I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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