Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I need to align my fucking chakras
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
