Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
