summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
