So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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