Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
