Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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