Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
