god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
