the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
