just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
