Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
