tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
