He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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