a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
