Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
