As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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