Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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