Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
