Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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