"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
