Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He uses pillows to masturbate.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
