whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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