took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
