cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
