i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
