i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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