I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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