The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
