made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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