ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
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