And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Duck Duck Cougar?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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