Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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