insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
