saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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